I’ve been thinking lately about all the ghosts I’ve been chasing. Apparitions and whispers of these things I’d never seen complete. Like I’m in still Plato’s cave and I can only see the shadow. Shadows are a fine dwelling and all, I revel in the dark, but maybe I should see how these shadows are cast.

(courtesy of Atlantic's country girl, Jesse Lee)

Someone alert the lovely people over at the Art Department at Atlantic, as they might need to hire me exclusively to do things like this incredible masterpiece (thank you to fellow intern Stephanie for the co-creation of said masterpiece).

All those years of photo class have paid off to the fullest extent. That's aligned by SIGHT. Can't mess with these eyes. Yes mom, I am proud of the things I've learned and skills I have acquired on my long journey to unemployment. :)

I held onto that thought that one day, years into the future, I'd learn to live life outside of the mirror.

snippets of writings from my livejournal

the life i built in this city is being thrown to the wolves that lived in the deep wood of my childhood. i've never made it out of here with clear eyes, but as the fog of a love affair lifts, i could guess why. [28 february 2009]

when you hear words you've waited years to hear
the ice on your body melts.
it flows into the hudson with everything else
and i'm looking up the river
at this girl i used to know
who had this hundred year headache
even when her world moved slow.

she wonders why i don't visit
she wonders why i don't call
she asks her if i miss her a bit
i don't think i miss her at all
and if she ever came down here
i'd have to turn my heels away.

and he could say
sorry a million times over but i'm not
i gave what i gave, got what i got
it wasn't because i was just a wreck or
something, i know it wasn't my fault
[16 march 2009]

i'm feeling peculiarly self-destructive tonight.
like tired of keeping up the good fight.
nine times out of ten i'm strangling this nostalgia as it comes out of me.
and i'm still kicking up dirt in the midst of this life,
nowhere near where i wanted to be.
[27 april 2009]

i wish i knew what i took to live in a daydream
spin around the pinwheel and look in
the inner tube flipped over when i was a kid
and what defines me now is what i did.

he read me my rights hundreds of pages deep
you are not what you make but the company you keep.

hoodwink

tonight was special. although it was raining and sort of annoying and a pain in the ass to get to, hoodwink was worth it. not in terms of what or who i saw, but just the feeling it gave me. like there are still bands out there that actually believe in what they're doing or playing. these were current bands playing songs by other recent and relevant current bands. new found glory playing green day, we the kings playing jimmy eat world (which i regrettably heard only a few notes of from across the way), mercy mercedes playing midtown, etc.

all the acts really showed their roots tonight - they have sort of restored my faith if you will. destroyed some of the jadedness that builds with having a life or your career function so close to the business side of things. i don't think most people get into the music industry to make money or at least they certainly don't intend to destroy all the beauty from music, but it is easier than you think it is to let happen. you fall asleep at 16. you wake up after college nd you're nearly 22 and faced with the sudden necessity that you have to "network".

what i did, i think, was latch on to some of the only facets of my adolescent life that made me feel not completely worthless - that was my interest in going shows or photography. with shows i had the community i never had anywhere else in my life. when you're 16, it's okay to feel totally compelled by certain things and obsess over them. at 22, with music, it's called being a stalker. so in order to "network" i must quell that which tells me "OMG THIS SONG ACTUALLY SAVED MY LIFE THAT ONE TIME."

and in turn, i am then to turn into one of the industry folks who make it totally uncool to get excited about anything.

trajectory of the record label employment scale:
intern: "oh man! paul mccartney came into the office last week."
CEO: "oh yeah, Paul McCartney is in CEO2's office? Well, I'm busy answering emails but I'll try and make it over before his meeting ends."

well i'm not having it. i'm a photographer. it is my "job" to be compelled, and fascinated, and outraged, and enthused, a million times over by my subjects.