i have my masters in memory

i tell people i've got a master's in memories
making them feel longer than a second
but only letting you see the second that they stuck.
and as for him and his heart well
i'm in for the long haul in my head
though the sad truth is
i'm always choosing the other end of a road
they call it running away but at least it's somewhere to go.

It is time, i think, for me to reacquaint myself with my camera. to put head to heart. for awhile, to just get rid of the madness. to be able to find vibrancy in simplicity. that's how i always learned to take photos. i'm not sure how i got here, a stranger to the lens. perhaps it is time to revel in the glass once more. doubt changes a person. it suffocated me for years.

i'm ready to be free of that doubt and put finger to trigger like i'm shooting a gun.
so fuck it, i'm going to put all these things out of their misery and just take their god damn pictures.

(from my livejournal, june 22nd, 2009)

snippets of writings from my livejournal

the life i built in this city is being thrown to the wolves that lived in the deep wood of my childhood. i've never made it out of here with clear eyes, but as the fog of a love affair lifts, i could guess why. [28 february 2009]

when you hear words you've waited years to hear
the ice on your body melts.
it flows into the hudson with everything else
and i'm looking up the river
at this girl i used to know
who had this hundred year headache
even when her world moved slow.

she wonders why i don't visit
she wonders why i don't call
she asks her if i miss her a bit
i don't think i miss her at all
and if she ever came down here
i'd have to turn my heels away.

and he could say
sorry a million times over but i'm not
i gave what i gave, got what i got
it wasn't because i was just a wreck or
something, i know it wasn't my fault
[16 march 2009]

i'm feeling peculiarly self-destructive tonight.
like tired of keeping up the good fight.
nine times out of ten i'm strangling this nostalgia as it comes out of me.
and i'm still kicking up dirt in the midst of this life,
nowhere near where i wanted to be.
[27 april 2009]